I had almost forgotten about this place.

I haven't even thought of this blog in so long. I have been so distracted by my college work and social life that this place kind of disappeared for me. If feels right to be posting again though.
I have missed it.

Lately I have not really been able to eat anything. Every time I try it's as if my throat closes up and I can't swallow. My friend thinks it is all psychological but it stops me eating anyway. Smoking has also been killing my appetite. I have smoked for a long time but not this frequently. I don't want to give up smoking for the pure fact that if I do, I am scared I will eat more. Plus I rather enjoy it too.
Today I just feel so weak and lethargic though. As soon as I got home from college, I lay down on my sofa and fell asleep for most of the night. Right now I can barely move, suddenly I just feel so tired. It's quite shocking actually.
My mum is giving me the whole worried look again. Saying my eyes look too big for my face and that I am not eating enough. I kind of just ignore her and close my eyes in my pillow when she makes comments like these. Obviously I don't want her to worry but I haven't really been intentionally losing weight.. this time it just happened effortlessly. Now however I want to carry on and make sure I don't start gaining weight.
So I went shopping last week and tried on a UK size 8 dress and it was huge on me! So now I fit into a UK size 6 which is brilliant. In US sizes I think that is a 2? It is in a way the perfect size in my opinion.
I have not weighed myself in a long time. I get really scared and cannot bear to face the scales. When I feel I am thin enough,I shall weigh myself. Until then I am completely in the dark.

Oh it feels nice to write out my thoughts again like this.
I am happy to be here :)
x

I'll go where secrets are sold.

It seems many people are experiencing the same troubles with staying strong at the moment in many different ways.
A lot of people I know are feeling pretty depressed too as certain political and social issues are causing a loss of faith in humanity here, which is true. It's quite astonishing really.
I have been feeling very depressed this last week as it has felt as if things just keep going wrong for me, it has actually made me comfort eat which is something I have never really done before so it scared me. I think I am ready to try and regain some control over my life right now instead of just being complacent with everything.
So the fight begins again as always, with food, with my body and with other issues that control my life.
To boost my motivation I feel I should post some photographs for some inspiration. Beautiful women always make me so jealous.

This Blog Is Like My Child!

I've just been looking back over this blog and I feel like an utter fool to have ever wanted to get rid of it! I do not understand why I wanted to delete it in the first place.
This is my story and my struggles so it must stay here, it must stay alive.
Some of the photography on here as well is so beautiful and lovely.. this blog is like my child and I feel like a traitor for wanting to ignore it and get it out of my life.
I think the only reason I did desert it for a while was because my now ex boyfriend found it and thought it was disgusting so I felt as if it were my duty to get rid of it. That's obviously not an issue anymore though so my blog can flourish and grow again.
I will never leave this blog again, I am way too attached to it.
I like to write on to this blog too so there are many reasons why to start posting on it again. I need to update, reassert my goals, actually weigh myself so I can assess my daily routine.
Time for things to take a step backwards I think.
x

Just A Quick One.

I edited some photographs just now and thought I would post them. I don't think they are that bad considering I've never done anything like that before :). I've only done three.

Hope everyone is well and happy.

x

A good morning.

I actually weighed myself this morning, I took up the courage and pulled out my scales.
I have lost 4lbs in four days.
I couldn't believe this, it made me so happy this morning, I was beaming for ages.
The problem is I don't feel any lighter or much thinner yet. Hopefully this shall change soon and I won't feel as horrible sometimes.
The thing I need to focus on now is to make sure the weight keeps dropping off and I do a lot more exercise. Also to make sure that people around me or the people I see all of the time don't notice too much weight lose or notice how much less I am eating.
My boyfriend and mother have already noticed this which is bad at such an early stage, I guess I'll just have to make fake remarks about how much I love certain foods, it makes me feel a bit wrong to speak of such things but it must be done.
I don't have much else to say for today.
I hope everyone is okay and well :)
x

A Beautiful Lie

I have that floaty feeling.
I haven't felt it in a while so it feels kind of scary but also pure.

Yet again I have been confined to my house as the bad weather conditions are making it hard to get anywhere at all. Tomorrow however I have work, I also might be able to see my boyfriend if he wants to see me. It's hard not being able to see him as much as I am used to. He doesn't even feel like a real person at the moment. I wish this cold and chaotic weather would go away and some lovely and warm sunshine would appear. It's a long time till summer though :(.

Soup. Just soup.
I'm glad my mum was asleep when i decided to have soup for my meal again because if she was awake she would have made me eat something else. She's realised it's practically all I ever eat. She has also mentioned that my "lack of food" is causing my bad headaches, which I don't think it is.
This means I have to be careful around her, she isn't dumb and she notices things quickly ever since I was in counselling last year so I'll have to be more sly if I can.

I am not too sure if I am getting any smaller or not. I'm way too scared to weigh myself. I'll probably end up in tears if I am any heavier or if I haven't lost any weight. My belly is smaller though. It's flat.
Time will soon tell.
x

p.s I thought I'd post some inspirational photographs in this post too :).

Building Control.

I found this photograph and instantly loved it. I love their long legs.

Today hasn't been as bad food wise.

I didn't eat anything until my mum made me have an evening meal. I just had some egg fried rice which I think is 200 calories per half pack which is what I had.

Then this evening I had one of those mini oranges which have 20 calories, so 220 calories is today's total.

This makes me happy.

I have to some exercises in my room before I go to bed to tone my stomach and thighs.

Yet again my thighs and bum are the worst areas of my body.

God I hate being a pear shape, it's so unattractive. Why can't I be shaped like a pencil or something.