I haven't even thought of this blog in so long. I have been so distracted by my college work and social life that this place kind of disappeared for me. If feels right to be posting again though.
I have missed it.
Lately I have not really been able to eat anything. Every time I try it's as if my throat closes up and I can't swallow. My friend thinks it is all psychological but it stops me eating anyway. Smoking has also been killing my appetite. I have smoked for a long time but not this frequently. I don't want to give up smoking for the pure fact that if I do, I am scared I will eat more. Plus I rather enjoy it too.
Today I just feel so weak and lethargic though. As soon as I got home from college, I lay down on my sofa and fell asleep for most of the night. Right now I can barely move, suddenly I just feel so tired. It's quite shocking actually.
My mum is giving me the whole worried look again. Saying my eyes look too big for my face and that I am not eating enough. I kind of just ignore her and close my eyes in my pillow when she makes comments like these. Obviously I don't want her to worry but I haven't really been intentionally losing weight.. this time it just happened effortlessly. Now however I want to carry on and make sure I don't start gaining weight.
So I went shopping last week and tried on a UK size 8 dress and it was huge on me! So now I fit into a UK size 6 which is brilliant. In US sizes I think that is a 2? It is in a way the perfect size in my opinion.
I have not weighed myself in a long time. I get really scared and cannot bear to face the scales. When I feel I am thin enough,I shall weigh myself. Until then I am completely in the dark.
Oh it feels nice to write out my thoughts again like this.
I am happy to be here :)
x
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