Fear

I haven't been here in so long, maybe that is why I am failing so badly.
I am at the highest weight I have been in so long, I am so ashamed I can't even write the number down. People say that I don't look as if I have put on weight at all and that I look "healthy".
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!!
Such a lie.
I am still with my boyfriend which is excellent so he keeps me happy, which in a this is a bad thing of course. When I am happy I forget about calories counting, exercising and losing weight. I think about him all of the time. So in consequence my hips grow, my tummy gets less toned and all my bones disappear. Disgusting!
Of course I need to try and get myself back on track, I can't step onto the scales until I feel and look thinner. I think I'll have a nervous breakdown if I do.

I just know when I really try to lose weight everyone else around me gets concerned which makes things harder for me but I can't let these people hold me back anymore.
I WISH MY MUM HAD NEVER MADE GO TO THERAPY!
It ruined everything I had worked for. No one should ever know the secrets we keep so close to our heart. Never let anyone in, they ruin everything.

I do not even know where to begin with losing weight, that's how badly it has gotten.
I guess I'll find my thinspo book and read it all over again, it usually gets me back on track.
If I lose 22lbs I'll be happy and won't put myself in too much risk.

Fake happiness is the best thing I have right now.
Fool everyone.

I hope everyone on here is fine and had a good end to 2009.
Another year to battle on.

Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat!

Having a lovely boyfriend can be a bad thing at times when you are trying to lose a considerable amount of weight in a short amount of time.
He makes me so happy at times that I forget how fat I actually am and because I see him so much I hardly focus on weight anymore, it isn't good because I still so desperately want to lose weight and be the thin girl that is stuck inside my disgusting body.
He is a distraction.
He compliments me all of the time as well which gives me fake positivity towards my body, for a moment I think maybe I am not as fat as I think I am but then BOOM I shake my head and tell myself that I am stupid and silly for ever thinking anything like that whilst my body is in this state!
I feel horrible for writing this about him as I do love him and he is the most important person in my life so it's nasty me writing about how annoying it can be when he distracts me from losing weight, but I need to be thin and no one understands this.
I do not know how to motivate myself to do it. I have tried every thing I know about keeping strong and dropping the weight but I cannot succeed and it's frustrating!
So very frustrating...

Focus focus focus focus focus focus focus
no more fat no more fat no more fat.
I need to repeat my good thoughts over and over again until it sinks in properly that I must do this however hard it might be.
I need to remember all the people on this blog who are so determined to be beautiful and skinny and how I let them down every time I eat.
Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddddddd to focus!!! Now!
No more stupid excuses anymore.

Many thin girls on my college course, they can thinspire me.
Horrible fatness needs to go. I hate my lumps and my plump skin.
I hate being 115lbs and being the size I am.

I need calm down and think clearly.
Find inner peace and clean my body of all toxins.
I love my boyfriend poor him :( I'm no good for him. I'm selfish and vile.

008 Oh Life.

Today I have had no carbs which is excellent. I really dislike them now, they make me feel so hefty and bloated and also make me thighs HUGE. Therefore I will not consume any.
Today's calorie intake hasn't been as good though, 589 for today. I don't like it. It isn't good enough at all but I suppose it'll keep my metabolism up for a while changing my intake as much as that.

I am going to one of those fairs tonight that attract the most disgusting crowd of people ever, but I haven't seen certain friends in ages so I thought it would be a good idea to attend and catch up with them as I have missed them. My boyfriend isn't coming tonight which is sad as I love spending time with him but he is going to a surprise party for his friend who is moving half way around the world on Monday so that is understandable.
I am going to bring as little money as possible mainly because:
a) I can't afford to waste much money right now on things such as fair ground rides.
b) I don't want to end up buying horribly fattening food there, this also is such a annoying waste of money.
Hopefully it shouldn't be that dreadful and I'll actually enjoy myself.
Before though I must get some college work done and carry on with my exercises that I have been doing all day.
I still haven't weighed myself in ages, I am afraid of the scales and don't want to know the true reality of my gluttony, so I shall wait until I look and feel a bit better to know my current weight.

007 Happy Thoughts.

Today I have consumed 117 calories. I am happy with this.
I know I wont go over this today, there isn't really anything else I fancy eating. Practically every single food I have in my house right now makes me feel ill at the thought of eating it. We don't have any chocolate in the fridge either which is good. Chocolate always tempts me but the temptation isn't there right now, thankfully.
I think I'll post some photographs in this post as I have found some beautiful ones.

006 This Life Is A Blur.

I can't recall much from the last few months or so.
I don't know what I have been doing with my time at all.
Every thing does seem like one big blur, as if I have been on auto-pilot or something.

I feel myself coming back though. Which scares me a little.
I've made a goal to lose as much weight as possible in time for my birthday which is on the November 22nd. By that time I must be thinner, much thinner.
All my diets seem to fail, I think it's because I can't be tied down to something that structured. I like to decide on the day how many calories I will eat.
Today it has been 458. I am not proud of this at all. It's too much.
I was going to go to the gym but realised I can't be looked at right now, I don't want people seeing me or talking to me. I just want to lie in bed, which can't happen as I have an estate agent coming to my house this evening to value it. My mum wants to move house soon.
So for today I will have to accept this number.

I have no motivation to do anything right now. It is bad as I have so much college work I need to do, I just don't feel creative enough to get it done. In one way doing a college course in fashion design and clothing is excellent for inspiration to lose weight. There are quite a few skinny girls on my course and I'm constantly looking at models so it's makes me want to be smaller even more. However in another way it is earth shattering. Every time I fail with something I am reminded of how disgusting I am and how weak I am, every time I look at these girls and I am reminded of how ugly I am.

Another thing that is making me worry slightly is I'm wondering how possible it is to keep a boyfriend whilst my behaviour and emotions are so visible to him. I've been with him for six months now and he can always tell when I'm not happy even if I try and fake my happiness. It's hard for me to relax sometimes as well and I don't want him seeing my body or anything like that either, however many times he tells me he loves my body which just makes me feel worse. I feel guilty for the feelings I have about myself and he can always tell when I am trying to lose weight or when I am not happy about myself.
I can't lose him, but I fear sometimes my behaviour might drive him away.
I can't let this happen, he is one of the most important things to me but I don't want to sacrifice anything.
I'll just have to find a way to not let anything show through and put on such a strong act.
It is hard to balance everything at times but it all matters.


I hope everyone is well.
x

Some Motivation.

I'll have to write an update of how everything is going for me later when my head is a bit more clear. I'm finding it hard to form decent thoughts together right now.
Much love.

















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The ABC Diet.

So I decided to go on this diet as it looks quite good and I want to know if it actually works. I like the structure of having a set amount of calories each day. I think that is a really good way dieting.
I started it yesterday and reached 500 calories like I supposed to, and today 500 calories is the limit as well. I want to get to the days where there are little calories on the plan. I think the 5th day in is set as 100 calories. It seems like a lot really but I was looking at tonnes of food packaging and the only thing I could think of eating that day to keep me going is fruit except bananas. Fruit has so little calories in I think that will be the only thing I can eat that day, everything else is packed full of calories, even the things that are supposed to be a healthier choice for people like the "healthy" cereal bars.
This diet confuses me a little though, I don't know if I am supposed to actually eat exactly the amount that is planned or whether that is just my limit for the day. I guess either way is good but it's hard to eat an exact amount like that but it is achievable. Just have to plan out what I eat very carefully.

I was looking through my thinspo book as well yesterday and forgot how much useful stuff I had actually put in there. I always forget about the really helpful tips and things I've wrote down so I think I need to remind myself of it more.
Maybe I'll go to the gym today to burn off what I have already eaten but I have the dentist soon :( and the loads of college work to do so it might not happen.
I hope everyone is well.
x