006 This Life Is A Blur.

I can't recall much from the last few months or so.
I don't know what I have been doing with my time at all.
Every thing does seem like one big blur, as if I have been on auto-pilot or something.

I feel myself coming back though. Which scares me a little.
I've made a goal to lose as much weight as possible in time for my birthday which is on the November 22nd. By that time I must be thinner, much thinner.
All my diets seem to fail, I think it's because I can't be tied down to something that structured. I like to decide on the day how many calories I will eat.
Today it has been 458. I am not proud of this at all. It's too much.
I was going to go to the gym but realised I can't be looked at right now, I don't want people seeing me or talking to me. I just want to lie in bed, which can't happen as I have an estate agent coming to my house this evening to value it. My mum wants to move house soon.
So for today I will have to accept this number.

I have no motivation to do anything right now. It is bad as I have so much college work I need to do, I just don't feel creative enough to get it done. In one way doing a college course in fashion design and clothing is excellent for inspiration to lose weight. There are quite a few skinny girls on my course and I'm constantly looking at models so it's makes me want to be smaller even more. However in another way it is earth shattering. Every time I fail with something I am reminded of how disgusting I am and how weak I am, every time I look at these girls and I am reminded of how ugly I am.

Another thing that is making me worry slightly is I'm wondering how possible it is to keep a boyfriend whilst my behaviour and emotions are so visible to him. I've been with him for six months now and he can always tell when I'm not happy even if I try and fake my happiness. It's hard for me to relax sometimes as well and I don't want him seeing my body or anything like that either, however many times he tells me he loves my body which just makes me feel worse. I feel guilty for the feelings I have about myself and he can always tell when I am trying to lose weight or when I am not happy about myself.
I can't lose him, but I fear sometimes my behaviour might drive him away.
I can't let this happen, he is one of the most important things to me but I don't want to sacrifice anything.
I'll just have to find a way to not let anything show through and put on such a strong act.
It is hard to balance everything at times but it all matters.


I hope everyone is well.
x