004 Such a lazy oaf

I am so angry and disappointed in myself it's unreal. I feel so worthless and low. I hate it!
I have consumed 730 calories today, went to the gym and only burnt off enough to get me down to 470. I can't believe I let myself go over 500 calories, what was I thinking. I still feel as if I could have burnt off a lot more in the gym, I just couldn't bring myself to do a run as well as the cross trainer and the cycling machine today. I usually do all three but I just didn't have the strength within me.

I always wonder what people think of me as they see me walking down the road or in the gym and they must be as disgusted with me as I am. How can I let myself walk around in public with a body like this!
I am still scared to do a weigh in. I am terrified to see my weight right now as I don't think I will be pleased at all.
There are so many thin girls on my course at college, it's really upsetting but I guess in a way it is also real life thinspo.
I can feel myself getting less sociable and more obsessed with losing weight. This always happens when I become determined to shed some weight. I think it happens to most people actually. So I have to use my fake smile and pretend I am happy when I am actually crying inside. It's so tedious.

I need to buy a new journal because even though I have this to write on I also like to write in a journal every day. I just don't have the money right now though...it sucks.
I hope every one is okay.
Rant over.
x