I Hate Soup

It's so hard to dispose of. My mum made me some today for my dinner and I didn't want to eat it, the smell actually made me feel ill. I just didn't know how to get rid of it as it's a liquid but also a solid. I decided to pour it down the sink which was a bit silly as the chunks might end up clogging the drain pipe, I really hope they don't. I still get the guilty feeling of not eating when my mum cooks for me I hate it but I just need to ignore that. She ate my lunch for me today. I ordered pasta when we were at a cafe, had a couple of mouthfuls and she finished it for me thankfully. I am not sure whether she knows what I am trying to do again, my mum is quite good at figuring me out especially after counselling so I have to be one step ahead all of the time it's hard.
She mentioned my face looking sunken in yesterday which is great. I haven't heard her say it in a long time so I must be making real progress. I have not weighed myself today as I doubt any improvements will have been made so I shall wait until tomorrow.

My boyfriend returns from France on the 11th and although I miss him dearly and cannot wait for his return I am also a bit scared. He will notice me losing weight and I don't want him to notice as he will worry and he knows my past with eating disorders. I have to trick him somehow but I don't want to, I feel too dishonest doing that to him and also cruel. I need to find a way around my emotional set backs.
I'm finding myself getting more anti-social as well. This happens when I focus on losing weight a lot. I can't be bothered to see my friends right now or even talk to them. I just want to stay in my room and exercise, also see my boyfriend when he gets home. This is becoming rather lonely though as I have a while till he is back. I guess I will have to make some effort to see my friends soon or else I will actually go insane staying in my house all the time. Hopefully the weather will be worse over the weekend so I can curl up in bed more.
I want to see a lose tomorrow I am so scared I wont though. Gaining weight is such a phobia it makes me feel ill just thinking of it.
Stay well everyone
x