Rock Bottom

I can't do this anymore I feel terrible today. I used to think that I had to eat a little bit during the day to keep my metabolism up but I just turn into a failure and always give into food and eat more than I want to. I am just destined to be fat and disgusting. It's making me feel so bad at the moment I just feel like I don't want to be here anymore. I could never take my own life, I am way too cowardice for that but I just wish I didn't have to function.

Food just ruins my life and makes me hate myself I wish it wasn't needed. I am seeing my boyfriend soon and I can't stop crying, I can't let him see me like this but it's hard to stop the tears. I just feel like not eating for days on end it's making me feel horrible and I would be much happier without it but I know I am so weak I can't even go a day without eating anymore, I don't know what has happened to me...I used to be so strong. I wish there was some other way of punishing myself as I have taken to self harming again which is another step back. I should just accept the fact that I wont ever be skinny or good looking so why should I bother...
The rest of you on here are doing so well and I can't even control myself, I also have an appointment at the mental health clinic soon so I'm going to try and act all happy and better again so they will let me go.

Maybe tomorrow I will be able to not eat as I feel so disgusted towards myself right now I think if anymore food entered my body I would actually feel like I need to rip it out of me so hopefully that will keep me away from it all. You all are doing so well I feel ashamed to write on this blog when I am doing so badly.
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